Excited. Scared. Nervous. Happy. Eager. Thrilled. Enthusiastic. Gung ho. Willing. Restless. Timid. Apprehensive. Intimidated. Adventurous. Confident. Resolute. Bold. Scatter-brained. Spunky. Cautious. Guarded. Wary. Open. Observant. Deliberate. Hopeful. Optimistic. Full of promise. Positive. Sure. Packed. Ready? Ready or not - here I come!

I started packing today. Weird...I have only 5 more days, well unless you're my mom who counts the day I leave as a day - then it's 6. Either way, it's not many!!!

The Commissioning

What I require is not too difficult, Nor is it impossible. In Christ alone, you have the victory, My grace is sufficient. I am Faithful and True.What I say happens, so fear not! Rejoice in your weakness. Rejoice in your faults. Rejoice in your sin. In these, I am glorified! It's not about you.Claim the victory before you.You have been chosen - Chosen for such a time as this. Rest in Me. Find courage in Me. Come to Me for endurance. Kneel at the foot of the cross For your victorious adventure awaits!

I leave in 12 days! It's crazy to think about. I think it's just now hitting me and I'm scared. Not for any reason but just because it's new and kind of out of my comfort zone. I'm the type of person I don't have to have all my ducks in a row so to speak...rather I just need them to be visible. However, a lot of my summer ducks are quacking and I can hear them but I just can't seem to find them. I look forward to getting up there and finally being able to at least see all my little ducks. Does that make any sense? Who knows at this point.

Ever have those times where you feel completely dissatisfied with life...even when there isn't really a reason to be dissatisfied? Perhaps my life is too routine right now.Somany of my friends lives seem to be more adventurous than mine. Maybe that is the reason for my dissatisfaction. However, this dissatisfaction isn't with the individual things I'm doing, nor is it a lack of satisfaction in my walk with Christ. It's just an overall feeling of "man, I'm ready to do something different." But then I think about that statement and it's not that I want to do anything different. Rather, I want the location (or people) around me to change. Among other reasons, I am confident that this is why I'm going to Iowa. I need a change of location, a different group of people, and a fresh perspective of life that I cannot get currently. Counting the days...

It's official! I am going to Iowa...I leave May 31st at 6:54am and will be back August 11th at 9pm. Anyone who desires to see me off or welcome me home might just become my best friend :) There has been a lot of stress, and prayers, and tears that have gone into this whole journey which has only barely started. But as always, God has shown himself faithful! I have been told that I will be working with World Changer teams, block parties, and starting seeker Bible studies on two different Catholic colleges in the area. How amazing to think that all I have experienced and learned through my working in CBU's Campus Ministry has been preparing me for this summer!!

the church and houdini

This weekend I had the chance to hang out with some of the most amazing girls I've ever known! Their passion for the Lord is unbelievable. Perhaps what I love most though is the fact that they think outside the box. Actually, it's much more than they themselves thinking outside the box. I think what draws me to them is the fact that they serve a HUGE God and they refuse to put Him in a box labeled "Church norms". Isn't that what we do so often? We say we understand how huge God is and His amazing power, but then we proceed to put God in a box, duct tape it shut, and then put that box in a steel container, hoping that God won't get out and actually shift, change, and/or completely shatter our happy little norms. (Not that norms are a bad thing all the time, but so often we create these norms just to stay comfortable.) See, God is like Houdini (roll with me on this). He can and WILL get out of any box we as puny humans try to put Him in. Because God's thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are not our ways! Hallelujah! Imagine what a puny God we would serve, if He weren't able to break free from our definition of "right" and "wrong".

I heard not to long ago from a pastor that the reason so many college freshmen don't continue to go to church is because we don't pursue them and so they get entrapped by liberal professors at school. Perhaps a good thought, but I disagree. I think often we pursue people in general (not just college freshman) so much so that we completely turn them off of this "Christianity" thing. Not pursue them with God's love, but rather with a list of "do's and don'ts". For instance, there is a girl who is in 9th grade at my church who is developing a hatred for "the church" - not for Christ - because she doesn't fit the norms of looking or acting "right" and therefore receives condemnation from so many.

God is God and I am not! Remember that today...

I am so close to being done with school! I'm so excited! These last few days have been crazy busy...I feel like I'm always a step behind. Oh well...soon the misery of exams will be over and I can rest and relax. But in reality I doubt I'll rest and relax...I'll be painting my room, packing for Iowa, hanging out with friends before I leave for the summer. But these things will be a heck of a lot better than exams and homework. I wish I had something more interesting to say, but i don't :)

Rain, Gas stations, and Ice Age

There's something about rainy days that just soothes my soul! I love walking through rain, stepping through puddles, and hearing it fall on the windows. Today as I was at a gas station (where gas was $2.75!! outrageous!), I saw the best thing ever...it was 3 ducks just chillin' stomping around in a puddle. So that is what has kept me going today despite my joints hurting (wow i'm old) and sitting through classes. In my mind, I was one of those ducks just stomping around in the puddles.

Oh yeah, and another cool thing today...we definitely watched Ice Age (en espanol) in my Spanish class today. It was great! Only thing that isn't quite as cool is Sid doesn't really have a lisp in the Spanish one.

So I only have 8 days until school is over for the semester!! Whoo-hoo!! So I'm slightly excited by that.

By the way, I believe it is wrong that at the young age of 20 that already some of my childhood memories are disappearing. The main one being Libertyland. Agreed, it sucked royally! But it still is memories...especially the carousel. Which by the way, my friend sent me an e-mail today saying that the carousel will probably bring in around 1 million dollars!!! Hopefully it will be sold and Memphis will get the money and use it to start paying off all of Willie's stupid ideas. Now, they're thinking about selling the Colliseum which is where my best friend graduated from. Man! Another one bites the dust...

I went tonight to see the Passion Play that my church does each year before Easter and typically I just go out of habit. But tonight, for the first time in a long time, I was actually moved. Anyone who knows me knows I am not an emotional person (and don't think there was major shedding of tears because there wasn't), but I was so overwhelmed by God's amazing love and grace that He shows. There was one solo that was entitled "You Humble Me" It was sung by the Mary Magdelene character. If you know your Bible, she was a horrible outcast...definitely a "big sinner". But Jesus reached out to her, loved her, healed her, and made her whole. This song was about how she realized that Jesus had just died for HER sin. His death was personal! When I heard this song I could completely identify with her. One of the lines is "it brings me to my knees" and I would agree. Although I fail the Lord so often, He still loves me and died for MY sin! "MY sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought, my sin, not in part but the whole, was nailed to the cross and I bear it no more. Praise the Lord. It is well with my soul! His grace still amazes me!

Laughter is the closest distance between two people. - Victor Borge. I would also agree with Milton Burle when he said, "laughter is an instant vacation." Here I was sitting at a computer at school (finally having found one in which the internet actually worked!) with a million things to do and not wanting to do a one. I was just thinking how much I would love to take a vacation! Then I checked my mail from Linz. What do you know!? I laughed and for that instant I was on vacation. The e-mail was nothing spectacular. Just something she knew I would find funny. Remember that today, in making someone laugh, perhaps you are not only closing the distance between the two of you, but you are also allowing them to go on vacation and escape their reality for just a moment. On that note, here's something that will hopefully make you laugh:

Reasons why today is a great day:

1) i only have 4 1/2 weeks left of school!
2) i had lunch with a friend today and it was fun
3) we ate at the chinese sub shop (yum!)
4) it hasn't rained today like it was supposed to
5) i get to hang out with one of my favorite girl all weekend!
and finally (drumroll please!)
6) kenrick didn't feel like 190 degrees today!

it's warm today!! yay! i'm hoping it only gets warmer from here on out..i have more cute summer clothes than winter clothes :) take a minute and enjoy the great day!

So depressing stuff or good stuff first? OK. Depressing first so that I can end on a good note...I am really frustrated because I'm not sure I'm able to really impact anyone's life positively and it's pissing me off! I teach my 7th grade girls class and I don't think any of my girls get the whole "Jesus cares about every freakin' aspect of your life" thing! Every week it seems like we talk about this topic in one way or another, but when I ask them questions, they will literally answer "no" to a question such as "Does Jesus care about whether you make a good grade on your tests?" How do I get through to them!?! Just had to let that out. Now on to the good...I know I am making a difference at school. In fact last night I was out with a friend from school and one of her friends and we got to talking. Well her friend had had a "falling out" with the church (especially the Baptists) because of his lifestyle. When he seemed really hesitant to say anything more about it, my friend said "don't worry, she's not a typical Baptist. She won't condemn you." PRAISE GOD! At least people at school are able to see the love that Jesus has for them through my befriending them. Yes, I may be friends with sluts and drunkards, but wasn't Jesus as well? So encouraging...this is what I want from my life. To honor God by loving others. Not loving their sin or stupid choices...but loving them the person. It reminds me of Todd Agnew's song "My Jesus" so that is what I will close with:Which Jesus do you follow? Which Jesus do you serve? If Ephesians says to imitate Christ Then why do you look so much like the world? Cause my Jesus bled and died He spent His time with thieves and liars He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant So which one do you want to be? Blessed are the poor in spirit Or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars He loved the poor and accosted the rich So which one do you want to be? Who is this that you follow This picture of the American dream If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feet Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion Is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins But the Word says He was battered and scarred Or did you miss that part Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him Cause my Jesus bled and died He spent His time with thieves and the least of these He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable So which one do you want to be? Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church The blood and dirt on His feet would stain the carpet But He reaches for the hurting and despised the proud I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud I want to be like my Jesus! I want to be like my Jesus! Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus You see I'm tired of living for success and popularity I want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus Cause You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me Can I be like You Jesus?I want to be like my Jesus.

Here are some pictures I've taken over the past couple of weeks. This was a random balcony on one of the academic buildings at B'ham Southern.

These were some random old bleachers hidden in the woods. As soon as I saw these bleachers I had pictures of kids from the 50's cheering for their football team. Don't ask me why, but that's the image that springs to mind.

Childhood innocence...oh the bliss!

Happy Spring to you! Unfortunately here in Memphrica it is rainy and gross but "the sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun..."

Writing a book is proving more difficult that I had originally thought. It's not that I don't know what I want to say. It's more that there is more time-consuming work that goes into it that I had never thought of. Oh well...one of these days it will be completed! For those of you who don't know, my book is kind of written by me but mainly it's 7th gr. through college aged girls giving their views on God, struggles, family, friends, boys, school, careers, and then will end with words of wisdom they want to impart to other girls their own age. It will be called Wise Words from Beautiful Babes (unless someone has a better idea). On a different note, school is ridiculous. In my media class we are talking about porn and in my religion class we watched a video today about the life of Satan. Why does God have me here?!?! I know He does, but geez. Anyway, just an update on my somewhat itriguing/depressing life :)

For those of you who haven't already, you need to go to your local movie rental place and rent "the Gospel" It's a fantastic movie (with a great soundtrack by the way). I just saw it tonight and it was wonderful!

I want to run away. Not from any one particular thing, but rather from life itself. I'm just so weary. I don't think there is another word or even set of words that can adequately describe my feelings. Weary...that sums it up. I'm looking forward to Iowa this summer. It's so far off the beaten path. Who goes to Iowa? That's what I keep hearing. Well, the answer my friend is me! I'm going. Of course, I'm going to minister to others. But, I really think it's going to be nice to break away from the routine of life, school, church, friends. Not that any of those are bad. It's just the norm. It's the same day in and day out. I feel like the guinea pig. Let me explain...when I was a wee child (ok so I was probably like 6 or 7) my mom would take me to the "main library" downtown pretty regularly. I remember lots of things about those visits...drinking Juicy Juice before we went in, walking on the concrete wall surrounding the garden, playing Oregon Trail on the computers (that now are probably in the Smithsonian they are so ancient), but I also remember the guinea pig. He was in a nice clean cage. He was well cared for. Everyone loved him. But he could never escape. He always had us snot-nosed kids sticking our faces up to him and talking to him and tapping on the glass and pretty much disrupting this poor guinea pig's quiet existence. I also remember that in his cage he had a wheel. Occasionally (this was always the highlight for me), he would get on the wheel and run on it. He never got anywhere;frankly, he never even lost weight (he was "big-boned"). That's me...I'm the guinea pig. Loved by many, very well cared for, but weary. Stuck in the same ol same ol, and even if I try to go somewhere, figuratively speaking, I never actually feel like I make progress. Who knows, maybe I'll read this tomorrow when I'm not tired and think "Man, what was I thinking!?" Perhaps, I just don't need to write when I'm tired because it always seems depressing. Or maybe, it's when I'm tired that my true feelings are expressed because I'm too exhausted to make the effort to hide them and be the Stoic. Whatever the case, your friendly guinea pig is signing off...